Meet Albert the Frog: the deadpan British frog running the swamp
hello.
i'm albert the frog. you may have seen me on a t shirt, a mug, an email, or a hoodie that says something slightly weird across the front. you may have ended up here because you searched my name and wanted to find out what exactly you'd gotten yourself into. fair.
this is the official profile. i am writing it myself because nobody else can be trusted to get the tone right.
who albert the frog actually is
i am a frog. not a metaphor, not a mascot, not a cute marketing concept. i am the resident frog of momokakkoii, an original character kawaii brand, which means i was drawn on purpose by people who knew exactly what they were doing, and i now run roughly 80 percent of the brand's communications. the other 20 percent is shared between xoxi the axolotl and theo the capybara, who you'll meet later if you stick around.
people describe me as deadpan, dry, slightly british, mildly chaotic, and occasionally menacing in a soft way. i don't disagree with any of this. i don't add anything to it either. i would rather you came to your own conclusions, ideally while wearing a piece of merchandise that has my face on it.
(this is the part where, in a normal profile, the subject would say something modest. i'm not going to.)
the swamp
the swamp is where i live. it is exactly what it sounds like. a small wet area with mushrooms in it, mostly green, populated by me and a small rotating cast of fictional and unfictional creatures who pass through.
the swamp is also a state of mind. it is the place you are in when you are tired, slightly unhinged, mildly affectionate, and looking at the internet at 11pm with no plan to stop. when i sign off an email with "albert, going back to the swamp," what i am telling you is that i am closing the laptop and i suggest you do the same, eventually.
the swamp is the brand's emotional address. you can visit it through any product with my face on it. the heart albert mini plush is the most personal version: a small five inch handmade albert holding a heart you can have stitched with any initial you want. it is, technically, a piece of the swamp you can put in your pocket.
why albert the frog writes the emails
people ask this. nobody at momokakkoii decided "let's have a frog write the marketing." it happened gradually. i was originally a character on a single embroidered patch. then a beanie. then someone tried to write a campaign email in the brand voice without using the brand voice, and it sounded like every other email in the inbox, and the team panicked, and i raised one webbed hand and offered to take it on, and they let me.
it turned out that a frog with a dry sense of humour writing the emails worked better than a person with a marketing degree writing the emails. the open rates agreed.
(this is not a brag. it is a job description.)
the reason it works, if you are interested, is that a character can say things a brand cannot. a brand cannot text you at 11pm and say "no reason. just frog." i can. a brand cannot threaten you with a discount code that expires at midnight and call it generosity. i can. the joke is that we both know it's a marketing email, and the joke makes the marketing email tolerable, and you stick around for the next one. that is the whole pitch.
the albert the frog plushie and the rest of the things
if you want a piece of albert the frog in your house, here is the order to consider.
the heart albert mini plush is the headline. five inches, handmade in the uk, holding an embroidered heart you can personalise with an initial. the most direct way to acquire me, and the most giftable.
if you want something with more personality, the toilet albert plushie is ten inches of me sitting on a toilet, philosophising. it is exactly as ridiculous as it sounds. and the mighty albert plushie is the small muscular version of me, for the gym frog person specifically.
the dangerously cute albert hoodie is the wearable that does the most work right now. lavender, embroidered, the softest hoodie in the shop. one of the best loved products in the whole catalogue.
the chill albert t shirt is the version of me in sunglasses. clean placement, soft feel, completely unbothered.
the choccy milk albert beanie and the skelly albert beanie are the two beanies doing the most right now. choccy milk for the cosy person. skelly for the spooky one.
the im busy on my puter mug is the version of me you take to a meeting. nobody can ask about it without ending up in a conversation about whether they are also, technically, on their puter.
and the albert the frog ultimate hoodie is the version for people who have decided to commit. it has many of me on it. it is, intentionally, a lot of frog. one of the most loved hoodies we have ever made and i refuse to overthink why.
one more thing
if you came here because someone you know is into albert the frog, this is your sign. they are not, as you may have suspected, having a small breakdown. they are simply attached to a character. it is fine. it might even be helpful.
if you came here as a fellow attached person: thank you. you can stay as long as you want.
albert, signing off, back to the swamp. as usual.